I know I started this blog with the statement that I think I have ADHD but as of last month I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. I was told that my IQ is in the high average to superior range *thumbs up* and that is the main reason why I was never diagnosed because I am able to compensate. That being said, as I have gotten older and started dealing with more stressful situations, my ability to cope has suffered. Hence the whirlwind in my brain. My mind is constantly going over thoughts and re-going over thoughts ...and re-going over thoughts and it doesn't help that I am highly analytical by nature which makes faith-based ideas more of a struggle for me. A true head/heart struggle.
These tendencies to over-analyze have made the line between God-fearing and God-loving a really tough one for me, so when my pastor said tonight, "God is not fair" it struck a chord as I'm sure he knew it would and I had to really think about what that meant. My first thought was, isn't the thought that God is fair part of what strengthens my trust in Him? Knowing that He will do what is right by us all ...but as I thought about that the answer came to me ...do I actually want Him to do what is right by us?? Aren't we all sinners? Wouldn't that mean to do right by us would be to throw us all in the fiery pit. Would He not need to remove all the blessings that have been bestowed upon us? God made us and gave us rules and all we do is break them. So maybe instead of seeing God not being fair as some sort of punishment ...maybe it's a really big blessing.
Pastor mentioned that in the exodus from Egypt before Pharaoh freed the Jews, He hardened Pharaoh's heart which seems harsh. Why would a loving God make it so that someone couldn't turn back in the right direction? That seems unfair but maybe it's because that person was created for that purpose. Maybe the creation of that one person and their destiny to be turned against God allowed the destinies of hundreds of others, to be with God.
There is so much that we just don't understand and being the digger that I am and the lover of "knowledge" I like to question but I heard a quote once that kind of put that into perspective for me. It said, "God gives you what you would ask for if you could see what He sees." I am at the base of the mountain while God is sitting on the tip top and the knowledge that I think I have in my situation is very limited by my position and so I try to remind myself of
I just wish this brain of mine would learn to accept what my heart already knows and make this walk less difficult for me. There is such a longing in my soul though and it keeps me walking.