"God is not fair."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I just got home from Connect which is my bible study group and my head is spinning.  I am having so many thoughts that I just had to get them down.

I know I started this blog with the statement that I think I have ADHD but as of last month I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.  I was told that my IQ is in the high average to superior range *thumbs up* and that is the main reason why I was never diagnosed because I am able to compensate.  That being said, as I have gotten older and started dealing with more stressful situations, my ability to cope has suffered.  Hence the whirlwind in my brain.  My mind is constantly going over thoughts and re-going over thoughts ...and re-going over thoughts and it doesn't help that I am highly analytical by nature which makes faith-based ideas more of a struggle for me. A true head/heart struggle.

These tendencies to over-analyze have made the line between God-fearing and God-loving a really tough one for me, so when my pastor said tonight, "God is not fair" it struck a chord as I'm sure he knew it would and I had to really think about what that meant. My first thought was, isn't the thought that God is fair part of what strengthens my trust in Him? Knowing that He will do what is right by us all ...but as I thought about that the answer came to me ...do I actually want Him to do what is right by us??  Aren't we all sinners?  Wouldn't that mean to do right by us would be to throw us all in the fiery pit.  Would He not need to remove all the blessings that have been bestowed upon us?  God made us and gave us rules and all we do is break them.  So maybe instead of seeing God not being fair as some sort of punishment ...maybe it's a really big blessing.

Pastor mentioned that in the exodus from Egypt before Pharaoh freed the Jews, He hardened Pharaoh's heart which seems harsh.  Why would a loving God make it so that someone couldn't turn back in the right direction? That seems unfair but maybe it's because that person was created for that purpose.  Maybe the creation of that one person and their destiny to be turned against God allowed the destinies of hundreds of others, to be with God.

There is so much that we just don't understand and being the digger that I am and the lover of "knowledge" I like to question but I heard a quote once that kind of put that into perspective for me.  It said, "God gives you what you would ask for if you could see what He sees."  I am at the base of the mountain while God is sitting on the tip top and the knowledge that I think I have in my situation is very limited by my position and so I try to remind myself of
1Corinthians 3:18

I just wish this brain of mine would learn to accept what my heart already knows and make this walk less difficult for me.  There is such a longing in my soul though and it keeps me walking.

Lumosity on Fleek

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I finally went for my second round of AD(H)D testing and it was a total workout for your brain. It was like playing Lumosity for 2 hours straight. They told me testing would take about 4 hours but it was a little more than half that. I don't if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  The little weirdo in me actually enjoyed the testing a little because most of it was like playing a really hard trivia game.  There were time when the exercises were repetitive and then I started getting a little bored/restless but for the most part it was fine.

The only thing I didn't really like about this whole testing process was that I felt like I never really got to talk about anything that is going on with me in any detail.  The first round, the doctor just fired off questions about myself and what's going on with me and I had to answer quickly like I was playing $100,000 Pyramid (dating myself). I HATED IT.  I felt like none of my answers were fully true because I had no time to explain anything.  It's part of the reason it took so long for me to go back.  I was completely out of comfort zone and felt like it caused a misrepresentation of self.  I am kind of a perfectionist and because of that I like to explain myself in as much detail as possible and the process didn't allow for that.

I did fill out a lot of questionnaires which I hope will better represent me but even that's hard.

"On scale of 1-5 how often does blah-blah happen?" 
"I don't know not quite 4 but more than 3?? Is 3.5 an option?" 0_0

Needless to say, I am not quite sure an accurate picture of me can be painted from the tests. I mean, I'm no doctor, but how can you diagnose someone if you haven't actually sat them down and found out in detail what is going on?  Yes, I know they're doctors and this is what they do but who on this Earth knows me better than me?

Is it weird that I am concerned that they will say there is nothing wrong?  Not that I want there to be a problem but I know there is ...so to not have it diagnosed seems like more of a failure on their part and is not actually helping me.

Have any of my readers gone through testing for AD(H)D for themselves or their children?  Do you feel the tests gave an accurate representation? I would love to hear your experience.

A Different Lens

Sometime in starting this walk you feel like a bit of an outcast from the normal world which is a plus that can sometimes disguise itself as a minus.  Feeling differently about things that are just so normal for everyone, things that are normal for you, can be quite the battle ...and then there are the people. The people who don't get it.  The people in your life that you love but don't see things quite the way you see them.  There are those who can't see what you see and wish they could and are happy you can but then there are those who can't see what you see, don't want to, and don't really want you to either.  They want who they know back and you can almost get where they're coming from but there's nothing you can do about it.  This isn't an ugly trend that you fell in love with and can let go when your friends tell you it's ugly ...this is literally the difference between life and death.  LITERALLY.

You have to accept being an outsider.

I won't stay here another night
If I gotta sacrifice
Who I am on the inside
I'd rather be an outsider
And you can stay if you like
I'll see you on the other side
I wanna live the free life
I'd rather be an outsider

It's a different language ...a different lens. This was part of the topic of bible study this past week. We hear with different ears and see with different eyes. Eyes and ears filtered through the Spirit of God. It's jibberish to others, nonsense even and we have to accept as people taking this walk that it's okay to sound like a fool because it's a different kind of wisdom.  The wisdom of the world is only what real fools can hear. If what we understand is considered foolishness then we must become "fools" to the world to live wisely in the Spirit. 


I guess I'm an outsider and a fool. #kanyeshrug ;)

The lovers, the dreamers, and Zee

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Painting day finally came ...and went and now Zee officially has her own big girl room! This is Zee's rainbow room :)  We kept going back and forth on the color for her room and then we decided, all colors! A rainbow themed room.  We still have a couple of shelves to hang but it is the coziest most smell goodiest room in the house and she loooooves it! I am so happy that she has this space all to herself. She is such a big girl!

Her dress up was always buried in a trunk. Now it's just waiting for her and she is dressed like a princess every day! I'm so excited about sitting in our glider again to read our nightly stories. We haven't read in this glider since she was a baby.

What a happy little bee.

 Bonus: Sleep tight little angel.

Upper-Case | The power of the SHIFT

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

11 He replied, “Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. 12 Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 13 This is why I speak to them in parables:
“Though seeing, they do not see;
    though hearing, they do not hear or understand. Matthew 13:11-13

Jesus spoke in parables in order to bring his lessons to life; so that they could be better understood by those he was teaching.  I very much enjoy it when my pastor speaks in parables. It really drives the message home. He uses stories of his family and children to show the bond between us and God as our Father.  This week was no different, stories of his children that relate to our relationship with God ...but then there was a second parable/analogy where Pastor spoke about writing out his notes for teaching and looking down at the keyboard and realizing that in order to capitalize a letter, he had to use the shift key.  He said that our lives are capitalized by God and that it is done by shifting (maturing, being motivated, and allowing God and His works to materialize in us). "The uppercase suggests something forceful and aggressive by nature." e.g. Yelling in all caps.  We sometimes hold onto and try to associate and live comfortable among lower-case people and it's impossible because we have been capitalized.

I tend to hold on to a lot of things. Possessions, thoughts, people.  I am also kind of a people pleaser and an introvert so sometimes I may not always say what I am feeling.  I find that in starting my walk with God, I am starting to deal with situations differently.  Though I may still feel the same emotions about situations where I feel uncomfortable, the way that I react is changing. Where I would usually get angry and yell and react, I find myself saying a prayer for peace of mind and waiting it out until I get it.

Pastor says that when you start to shift your life in the way of the Lord you become "convicted of things that others won't".  You become uncomfortable in the things that you used to be comfortable doing.  I can feel this happening in my life.  I think about some of the things that I used to do that, to be honest, I sometimes still want to do, but I battle with myself every time I even consider it and that's how I know something within me is starting to change.


It is hard sometimes because I feel like some of the things that I love are farther from me because I can't be the same version of me and so the things I used to do to preserve what I love, I can't be comfortable in doing anymore.  I expect more out of people and situations than I once did.  The thing is though, it is now impossible to pretend like I don't feel this.  I can't deny the change to myself because I can't go back to what was normal ...and because of this there is nowhere to go but forward and honestly, I'm glad to know there is more to find, experience, and learn.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11

I find comfort sometimes in knowing there is more. That if I keep moving forward, I wont regret it.

Notes taken at Motivation Church, Randolph MA with Pastor Jason LaPlanche

So... paint freezes.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Wait... by frozen I don't mean like the movie, Frozen.  Although that is kind of an Elsa blue but that totally has nothing to do with this post. This post is about painting day and the fact that paint does in fact freeze.  That was my revelation today and maybe it sounds dumb, like obviously paint freezes, it's water based but somehow I just thought chemicals and such would keep it fluid ...like alcohol. I don't know. All I know is I went to paint the kiddo's big girl room and the paint was solid ice.

Today we were supposed to be painting Zee's big girl room. Zee is my little six year old and she hasn't had her own room since she had a nursery and now she is getting one back and so today was paint day!

...or so we thought. As you're all aware, we have gotten the world's share of snow this winter in the Northeast and dummy me left the paint in the trunk.  So needless to say paint day didn't happen, we only got to do trim ...and eat Spaghetti O's (with hot dogs of course)! Ultimate crappy comfort food.

Lesson of the day: Water freezes and there's lots of it in water-based paint  0_0

Happy Sunday!

A Distracted Visionary

Friday, February 6, 2015

I am obsessed with cleanliness and organization. I love white space, clean lines, labels, and all things neat and pretty.

I love these things because I don't have them.

I crave them.

...but I have ADHD  (the ADD kind, not the hyperactive kind) or at least I am pretty sure I do.  I am in the process of diagnosis but every book I have read (and there have been many) explains why keeping focus in school and work has always been a struggle, why my desk and home can never be organized for long, and why I jump from one hobby to the next back to the last one on to the next one ...or why I can't remember ANYTHING.   My brain stays on 100 at all times. I currently have a 7 tabs open on the top of my page which is the least amount I probably ever have open. Usually there are so many tabs you can't read what they are and I don't even know until I click them.  I have 4 apps to give me reminders, alerts, and keep me on schedule and I am still late for most things.

For those of you who have been following this blog you knew it as Everything Under the Moon and while I loved writing it and crafting, cooking, and sharing projects, I had to accept my reality. I work full-time and I am a single mom and with all my many loves, it took way too much discipline and focus to maintain that style of blog. I love writing and blogging so I needed some time to refocus and decide what I wanted to blog about, which is everything, of course. So with this blog there is no rhyme or reason, or special days, or obligations. I am just sharing what I want to share.  I'm just sharing my life.

I am a photographer.  I do both fashion and creative portraits. I am working on launching my business and so you will probably hear lots about that here.  I will share with you the techniques that I learn to stay organized and timely and be successful in my business. The good thing that comes with this brain of mine is creativity and I am in love with anything artsy and innovative and beautiful. This is the catalyst for my photography work.

I love Jesus and I always have but I am just now starting to get a handle on my walk with him and understand myself better through him and so I will share those things as well.


I will walk you through my journey of taking my old childhood home with all of it's memory-filled clutter and making it ADHD friendly and organized while balancing being a full-time working, single mom to my angel of a daughter who is my all, while also growing in Christ and launching a new creative business.

Starry-Eyed is my open journal.